Monday, April 4, 2011

Monday Memos

Memo to Rutgers University: If you pay Snooki Polizzi $32,000 to speak at a gathering, but only $30,000 to Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winner Toni Morrison to speak at graduation you have to stop calling yourself a place of higher learning and education. 
Memo to Fox News and ex-Arizona lawmaker JD Hayworth: The AZ Medicaid shortfall has nothing to do with illegal immigration, because undocumented residents do not get access to state programs such as Medicaid.  In fact, the budget shortfall is due to the massive increase in unemployed citizens and the reduction in federal dollars.  If you walk like an ass, and talk like an ass, you are probably on Fox.
Memo to President Obama and Attorney General Holder: Glad you guys are on board with the use of military tribunal for Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.  Congress wasn’t going to offer up the money for the transfer to a civilian court, and that is wise since it was possible that the 9/11 mastermind’s confession may have been ruled inadmissible thanks to the Bush/Cheney water boarding party.  When you can’t handle the truth, the military tribunal is the way to go.
Memo to Donald Trump: When Glenn Beck starts calling you out as crazy, you just might be.
Memo to Glenn Beck: You sudden dip in the sanity pool isn’t fooling me.  That call you got from the bosses at Fox to tone down the crazy talk or lose your job must have got to you.
Memo to all religious fundamentalists: I don’t think the greater power you declare you serve is a fan of burning books, killing volunteers, abusing children, and all your other heinous hateful acts you feel compelled to perform.
Memo to Michelle Bachmann go to Barnes and Nobles and pick up American History for Dummies.  And whatever you do, don’t say you can see Canada from your porch.
Memo to Lorne Michaels and Kristin Wiig, start honing your Michelle Bachmann impersonation.
Memo to the Atlantis Resort: thank you for charging me a Bellman’s service fee when I didn’t use a Bellman.  Oh, and I especially like the automatic 15% gratuity fee on every transaction.  Nothing like getting screwed BEFORE I set foot in the casino.
Memo to the producers of Dancing with the Stars and Celebrity Apprentice: Never have so few done so much to lower the bar of stardom and celebrity.  Though I would love to see Gary Busey on DWTS and wait for the meltdown.


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