· Georgia Police officer William Martinez, 31, suffered a fatal heart attack while he and a male friend were having sex with a woman. The jury awarded his widow $3Million saying the doctor should have warned Martinez that strenuous activity could be fatal. He went out with a bang.
· 11 year old Little League catcher Matthew Migliaccio has been sued by spectator Elizabeth Lloyd saying she was struck by a ball thrown recklessly by the boy. She is seeking $150,000 in damages and free hot chocolate at night games.
· According to Mother Jones the average House member has to raise $367/hr to pay for their re-election campaigns while they are allegedly serving their constituents. The average senator needs to raise $819/hour. I don’t think is what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
· The post office in Sugar Hill, NH, to save costs, is now only open between 10:15am – 10:45am. No truth to the rumor the mail is being delivered via horseback.
· The Taliban is blocking the distribution of polio vaccines in North Waziristan claiming it is an American spy effort. Oh my, these people are so backward; it’s like claiming vaccines cause autism or fluoridation is a government mind control effort. Oh wait.
· According to the Pew Research Center the number of Republicans who believe the government “should take care of people who can’t take care of themselves” has dropped to 40%, from 62% in 1987. I guess this proves that compassionate conservative now joins deafening silence, military intelligence, and jumbo shrimp in the pantheon of the funniest oxymorons.
· Uruguay’s 77 year old President Jose Mujica announced that the government would take over 100% control of marijuana production and distribution. I see the birth of the THC Party on the horizon. They say taking over marijuana production and distribution is a gateway to other government takeovers.
· According to Time.com, 20% of smartphone owners admit to checking their phones immediately after sex, and 40% while on the toilet. Does that mean 60% of mile high club members check their smartphones? Are people Tweeting “woot woot just got some”? Is Angry Birds on the shitter the next game app?
· According to YouGov.com 63% of Republicans still believe Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Of those who believe that, 64% believe President Obama was not born in the U.S. In related news, 62% of Republicans are named Joe the Plumber.
· According to the Washington Post between 2007 – 2010 130 Congressmen or their family members traded stocks in companies that were actively lobbying on bills in front of these lawmakers’ committees. The analysis claims there is no evidence of insider trading. Yeah right and that stock trading baby really can talk and doesn’t shit his diaper.
· According to the New York Times, in 2011 Apple’s 327 global stores earned sales revenues of $5,647 per sq ft., almost double that of #2 Tiffany & Co. “Big deal”, said Callista Gingrich. “I have an iPhone, now I want the diamond tennis bracelet.”